So I had this friend, and we got in a huge fight. (Keep in mind that I wasn’t “out of the autism closet” with her, but I hadn’t felt completely uneasy around her (that is, we enjoyed each other’s presence in a lot of ways).) But one of the last things she said to me was that she was…
Instead of trying to be all defensive about it, maybe now is the time to come out of that auty closet; tell her “Yes, in fact, I DO have autism, thanks for noticing.”
It’s what I’d do, anyway. There’s no shame in admitting to what you are.
Meh, I wouldn’t say I’m really defensive about it, per se (and I’m not afraid to tell people if need be, either: I’ve told three teachers when it came up directly, as well as both my roommates last year when one got snide and said she wouldn’t be friends with me if I didn’t try—and we’re better friends because of it). I just know how this girl is, what she associates with autism (a butthole-ish (as in actually mean, not as in genuinely misunderstanding) girl who probably actually is autistic (my autdar went off on her) in her old dance class largely, probably), and how she acts in general when affirmed (she wins a LOT of things… so yeah). I guess I’d be afraid that if I told her, she’d get all haughty and “I-knew-it”, and might try to use it against me or out me in a place I really don’t want to out myself at present? (Though for all I know, she’ll out me anyway?) Right now, I’m still figuring out whether or not I want to still be friends with her… because even after all she said, I’m not sure I can cut the cord without coaxing from people.
I don’t how you react to this kind of situation, and I know a lot of people so get defensive— that’s why I said it.
But, given the information you just gave, it sounds like you should cut the cord with this friend, or at least withdraw what slack there is (if that makes sense). ;-;
She sounds like bad news in a soda bottle, waiting to finally pop under the built-up pressure. This is just me, but… There seems to be more bad than good to be had from this situation.
It’s curious to me, though: How could one autistic use autism against another? Isn’t that… Hypocritical? It seems like you could easily turn the table on her or at least create an impass (assuming she truly is autistic herself).
Naw, she’s not autistic (though I put in a LOT of confusing phrasings and parentheses, and I probably need to lay off those because stuff like this happens A LOT when I do that…). I said what she knows about autism comes from a mean girl (who set off my autdar) who she commented (in a snide way, I think) that she thought was autistic once. Thing is, from what probably made her call me that, she doesn’t seem to know what autism is (and I did make sure to tell her that, even though I didn’t come out or anything).
You sound like my other friends on the advice. I sent her a message explaining my ambiguous feelings on the friendship on Sunday (after a just-enough-reconciling exchange to not hate each other’s guts), and I said I wouldn’t send anything else unless she didn’t reply for like a week (I took a week after that “just-enough” exchange just to formulate a half-okay message). I don’t know if she’s blocked me or if she’s just replying slowly, but I told myself if things didn’t work this set of time, I’d have to cut it off.
Part of what is making this more difficult is that we have a mutual (awesome) friend, and we might end up more or less having to see each other in person if we decide to do things with that friend at the same time.
She also has done similar things to what got me angry at her (pushing aside what made her angry at me) to someone else, and that person felt the need to leave and she pretty much treats them like they’re evil because they left (which makes me super upset because this person is a VERY GOOD friend of mine). Which is part of both why I’m afraid to stop and why I’m concerned if I see her again.
Basically, she’s not autistic, and while I know there’s a lot of bad in the relationship, something in me is trying to hold on to the hope of redeemability both because I do care for her and because I’m afraid of what will happen if this dissolves.